literally had 100 drinks last night.
Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
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