I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
