I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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