just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
