U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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