hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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