My hair reeks of homosexuality.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
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