Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
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