We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
Randomize
