It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Randomize
