this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
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