It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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