Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Randomize
