I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
