Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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