rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
I want her autograph on my taint
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
