Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
My brain says no but my pants say off.
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
