Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Randomize
