I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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