I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
