Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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