Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
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