I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
