When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Randomize
