if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
Randomize
