I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
It was odd. His friends dick tasted the same as his. Friends are beginning to have to much in common
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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