His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
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