I think im going to throw up on grandma
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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