Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
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