went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Randomize
