I faked an abortion last night.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
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