I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
