Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
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