Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
