I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
