how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
is it true that cum stays in you for 7 years?
that's gum
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I think your dad took our porno
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
