hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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