why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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