Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Randomize
