If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
