He disabled his match.com account in front of me
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
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