I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
