i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
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