i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
