i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
There's always time for handjobs
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
Randomize
