the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
he was CRYING into my vagina
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
