I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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