I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
