I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
I will pee on everything he values.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
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