so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
