I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
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